A lot is going on up there in that head of mine. Blame tumblr. Blame the time.

It's been, a while. I haven't had my head in such disarray since who knows when.

Truth be told, I am very self-conscious. I am conscious of how I think, how I feel, how I act.

I try to restrain and control my actions. Emotionally, physically, mentally.

I always feel a need to act appropriately. I was brought up that way.

It was never easy. I was expected to be perfect. I need to be perfect.

But I lack finesse, in all regards. And because of that, I was often yelled at.

Public humiliation aside, the worst feeling you can ever get, was that you failed someone,

You failed yourself.

So you can see why I've never had a lot of self- esteem.

I don't know when, but I started putting up walls.

Everything belongs somewhere. But there is no in-between for me. I don't see gray, only black and white.

Maybe I refused to see that. Maybe because it's simply easier to deal with things that way. I was in denial.

I knew. But I denied. I didn't try to change. It made me a mess.

Why am I writing this?

I don't know.

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Or maybe I'm trying to justify why I'm so fucked up.